I am my own worst critic.

notsafe

I’m struggling.

I thought I was over it, but I’m not.

Is it because I’m a Gemini?  I truly feel like there are two parts of me.

My ‘bad’ twin is Elsa.  My ‘good’ twin is Anna.

Over and over in my brain I hear them singing in reprise:

Anna: It’s okay, you can just unfreeze it!

Elsa: No, I can’t.
I — I don’t know how!

Anna: Sure you can! I know you can!
`Cause for the first time in forever,
Elsa: Oh
I’m such a fool!
I can’t be free!

Anna: You don’t have to be afraid…
Elsa: No escape from the storm inside of me!

Anna: We can work this out together!
Elsa: I can’t control the curse!

Anna: We’ll reverse the storm you’ve made
Elsa: Anna, please, you’ll only make it worse!

Anna: Don’t panic!
Elsa: There’s so much fear!

Anna: We’ll make the sun shine bright!
Elsa: You’re not safe here!

Anna: We can face this thing together!
Elsa: No!

Anna: We can change this winter weather!
Elsa: AHHHHH…

Anna: And everything will be all right…
Elsa: I CAN’T!

I can’t.

I’m pulled so many different ways by this storm.  This damn depression that has me feeling like every day is eternal winter.

In attempting to find help in the things I enjoy, writing and, recently, using oil pastels, I am left dissatisfied.

Nothing lives up to my expectations anymore.

I am my own biggest critic… I can’t control the curse…

I am struggling to hear the good twin’s voice… there’s so much fear

I am looking for ways to take the good in my life to heart… you’re not safe here…

And I’m failing… I can’t…

I feel like I need to put some of my goals on the back-burner, but that reeks of failure.

I don’t want to be okay.  I want to be great.  Instead of trying and failing at being great, I do nothing.

Yet, I’m stretched so thin with hopes and dreams that every minuscule detail is magnified, and I can not look past the parts that need fixing to see a whole.

But how to appreciate the whole, without ignoring the things that do need to be fixed..?

I’m working on it.

But not well enough.

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About Domestic Pirate

Hi, my name is Jessica. I am a stay at home momma wench who is addicted to all things Piratey, the internet and cookie dough. If you like any of those things, I think we'll get along just fine.

13 thoughts on “I am my own worst critic.

  1. “Yet, I’m stretched so thin with hopes and dreams that every minuscule detail is magnified, and I can not look past the parts that need fixing to see a whole.”
    I totally get this. One foot in front of the other
    *hugs

  2. Bah! So, for some reason I found comfort in this post. Oh, no…not because I delight in someone else’s discomfort or unhappiness. Rather, it’s just nice to know … I don’t know… I guess it’s nice to know someone else besides me is feeling this way.

    I was just telling my husband this morning that I’ve decided that I’m just going to stay down. It seems better that way…it’s just too damned hard to try to get back up only to get kicked down again.

    Just.stay.down.

    Better.this.way.

    Of course, this was said in an emotional state of worry & frustration. And I guess if I am 100% honest with myself I don’t TRULY *believe* that way. I may “feel” that way, but that doesn’t make it *true*? Does that make sense?

    Ok, I am rambling…and this is just in the comment section. Hey maybe I ought to start my own blog…oh, that’s right! I did! (ugh, don’t get me started on what a fight that has been!) ha!

    Thank you for this post. And kudos for writing something… I have been avoiding my blog like the plague!

    1. I know what you mean… Just last night I came out from putting the baby to bed and the living room had exploded; this after a seriously emotional evening. I thought about just going to bed. Just let it get worse and worse until someone called Hoarders or CPS. But that wouldn’t happen. Captain would have cleaned it all up by himself and I would have felt even more guilty… *sigh* Thanks Kari. Now go write something, yourself. :)

  3. “I don’t want to be okay. I want to be great. Instead of trying and failing at being great, I do nothing.” I’ve struggled with this my whole life. Now I see my son doing the same thing. I’ve been making a real effort to put myself out there and take more risks for his sake. That’s one reason I started blogging. I wanted to be a writer , but never did anything about it. What if no one takes me seriously? I panic every time I hit Publish. But that’s why I do it. And you do too. Keep fighting the good fight! I’ll keep reading :-)

  4. I think it’s so important to allow yourself to put some things on hold so you can focus on you. This is a beautiful, honest, and raw post. You are allowing yourself to feel. To feel the pain, to feel the sadness, to feel the fear and that is an accomplishment in and of itself. Just remember you have a boat load of us hanging in the sidelines ready to cheer you on, cheer you up, help you out and do what we can when you need us. You’re one of my faves Jessica!
    Jennifer@Outsmarted Mommy recently posted…Welcome ChaosMy Profile

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