Okay Universe, it’s time we had a Come To Jesus.

According to my chiropractor, I handle stress well.  I’ve always known that I thrive a bit in chaos, but having a thermal scan show that my stress receptors are well within a green box was a welcome confirmation.

NO, I don’t LIKE chaos.  I just seem to be able to keep my shit together in the midst of it.  Captain found it hard to believe.

I worry.  Like, a LOT.  And I fret.  And I plan, replan, and plan again.  I research.  I complain.  I cry.  But it seems that all that is just my brain helping me stay in the green.  Which I am so grateful for.

Because last week, I was thisclose to burning my freaking house down and checking into a looney bin.

On top of putting our house on the market, not being able to sleep, having to play neurotic 50s housewife and clean every teeny tiny mess my kids make as soon as it happens, and preparing/waiting for The Kraken to arrive, these things happened:

Saturday: First off, I should have known it was going to be a bad week when I got a bad hair cut.  For my birthday in June, I treated myself to getting my hair completely chopped off so it would just be out of my way.  I had let it grow out for just over 2 months and it was starting to creep into my ears and I was constantly doing the teenage boy head-twitch to get the hair out of my eyes, so it was time for a trim.  It didn’t turn out like I’d hoped.  Whatever, it’s out of my eyes and ears now, I’ll just wear headbands and bandanas until it’s at a cuter stage.

Sunday: Was fine.  Captain was home, we kept things clean and the kids entertained together.  Usual kid obnoxiousness ensued, but nothing I couldn’t cope with because I had an extra adult floating around the house to help.

Monday: We started the morning with Captain discovering that his car alarm remote decided to die.  Not replace-the-battery die, but nothing short of a car remote engineer can bring it back die.  He didn’t have time to disconnect the alarm so he could take it to work, so he took my car.  The one with all the car seats.  The one place that I am legally allowed to restrain my children for long periods of time.  Well kids, we’re home all day and I can’t go grocery shopping!  Let’s have cereal and crackers all day.

Our realtor was planning on bringing a flyer box over to put on our For Sale sign, but his car decided it would rather stop working.  Not really MY problem, but frustrating, and I felt bad for our realtor.

I’m part of a Facebook group for pregnant women due in/around September.  Ideally, it’s a place where we can commiserate, ask questions, share info, and generally share in each others progresses and baby news.  Sometimes though, a topic comes up and people get really emotionally involved.  The topic was using car seats on the top of grocery carts.  Plenty of women had already said that they never do because they were already aware of the dangers, a few others, mostly first time moms, were surprised that you aren’t supposed to, even if the carrier clips into the cart, and a few staunchly defended their position on why they do it anyway.  I chimed in with my 2 cents and what made me ultimately change the way I grocery shop with my kids to keep them safe and a first time mom flew all up in my craw, basically calling me a judgmental bitch and accusing me of saying she was a bad mother since she didn’t choose to do things my way.  Again, it wasn’t really my problem, it was hers.  But after the stressful day I had with the general kid messiness and having to keep up with them plus my hormonal nature at this point, I got pissed off.  No one likes being called a bitch, unless they were purposefully trying to be a bitch.

Tuesday: The morning started out well and then I tried to take a much needed nap.  Note: Tried.  Why is it that the kids are totally fine together until it comes time for me to focus on myself a bit?  Attempting to nap for 2 hours while being constantly interrupted by fighting and demands for snacks is NOT refreshing, in case you were wondering.

After my failed napping attempts, I received several text messages from a family member who had been over to help us get the house ready to be listed, casually mentioning that whenever she goes home she’s ‘physically and emotionally battered’, and that ‘a little appreciation goes a long way’.  I won’t go into the details of why this is so. off. base, but I should note, I have invited this person to be at The Kraken’s birth.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think guilt tripping a 9+ month pregnant lady who has invited you to watch the 2nd most intimate thing in her life is the way to get the appreciation you’re looking for.  How much more can I really be expected to give at this point?

Once Captain got home and assured me I was totally within my rights to just ignore the callous messages, we decided to let everyone blow off some steam and walk to the nearby school to let the kids play.  We happened to get there shortly after some friends and right before some others, so the kids had a great time running around like crazies without me having to remind them to be careful, put stuff down, etc.  As we got back to the house a cat spooked out of our front hedge and was hit by a van, right in front of Cabin Boy and I.  The van drove off, leaving the cat to pull itself onto our sidewalk and die in the time it took me to hobble to the garage, get a box, gloves, and old sheet, and return out front.  So I wrapped up the poor thing in a sheet and placed it in the box, leaving it in front of our garage and notes upon the cars of the few neighbors to whom I thought the cat belonged.  Then I got to explain to the kids where the kitty had ‘gone’ while we watched its housemate paw around the box I’d left it in.

Wednesday: I had decided Tuesday night that I was NOT about to stick around the house again all day, so I took the kids to our local rec center where we have a membership.  The kids got to play under someone else’s supervision and I got to relax and eat by myself.  I desperately needed a shower by the time Captain got home though, and decided to take some extra time to try to shave only to discover that my razors had been packed.  Captain’s facial wet/dry razor did NOT cut it.  Not a terrible day though, so it was the highlight of the week.

Thursday: I thought I might be able to get away with going to the bathroom and getting dressed by myself, but ended up being faced with blue crayon on the kitchen walls when I came back downstairs.  Scrubbing walls is FUN.universe

A neighbor watched the kids while I went to a prenatal appointment and we spent the rest of the afternoon doing the usual ‘clean that up’ dance.  That evening I went to meet my bestie at the mall and spilled water on the seat of my car as I was sliding out.  Nothing like looking like my water broke at the mall!

Friday: Cabin Boy decided first thing to unroll and reroll the brand new roll of toilet paper while he was doing his business.  Know what’s stupid?  Feeling that I NEEDED to reroll the toilet paper nicely just in case someone called to see the house.  Who the eff is going to say No just because of a roll of toilet paper?!

Took the kids to play at the rec center again, but Mr. Monkey was being mean to other kids, so we had to leave an hour into our 2 hour allotted time.  *sigh*

As we were leaving the rec center, my bag caught on the door handle and literally ripped in two, spilling my laptop, knitting, wallet, and lunch all over the floor.  And not one of the 6 people in our general area decided I could use a hand collecting it all back up.

Once home and fed, the kids merrily colored with their new markers and books from Grandma.  All over 1 of my 2 nice tablecloths, too.

So here we are Universe.  I have to tell you, That. Was. Bullshit.  Absolutely not okay.  I don’t know if you’re having fun because of the full moon, or you just like picking on people who have enough on their plate already, but if you don’t knock it off, my stress management is going to promptly head into the Red Zone and I might have to deliver The Kraken in jail.  No one wants that.  Think of my children.

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About Domestic Pirate

Hi, my name is Jessica. I am a stay at home momma wench who is addicted to all things Piratey, the internet and cookie dough. If you like any of those things, I think we'll get along just fine.

2 thoughts on “Okay Universe, it’s time we had a Come To Jesus.

  1. I’ve had moments that echoed each of yours almost exactly, and I can’t imagine being hit with them all in one week (while very pregnant, no less). I’m feeling emotional just thinking about it. Glad you made it through, though, and I hope the coming week brings lots of good things, especially sleep. I’m quite sure you could use endless amounts of that.

  2. Oh, emotional is definitely descriptive of the Pirate House this week! Thank you! I’m hoping it was just a crazy fluke, because I really feel like it’s my turn for some good ju-ju!

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