We’re trying to be frugal right now. Trying. Switched to cloth diapers, didn’t get the advanced cable package, returned to a cash budget to keep our spending in check. It’s working, for the most part.
Until this morning. When I got a Kohl’s credit card to take a further $93 off of my $320 purchase…
Typing that makes me feel awful.
I have never, ever, ever spent that much money on clothes for myself all at once. I have never felt the need to go out an buy myself half a wardrobe on a whim. But when I got pregnant with The Kraken, I was the smallest I’d been since high school. I had proudly donated all of my XL and XXL clothes. I had gone shopping through clearance racks throughout the 8 months previous to slowly build up the adorable wardrobe I felt so good in.
Now, here I am, switching between 2 pairs of ill fitting pants. Wearing a few shirts that I had kept, just in case. I don’t feel good in any of them. I feel dumpy, and, yes, fat.
I’m 2 months post partum. I still have 20 pounds to lose from my 50 pound pregnancy gain. I know that I can’t expect to be back in those purple size 10 skinny jeans so soon, but it really sucks having clothes that I love and just can’t wear.
The past few days the feeling of discontent has gotten so bad that I’ve felt the urge to purge on multiple occasions.
I can’t go back to that.
I can’t raise daughters with a healthy body image and sons with respect for a woman no matter how she looks if I can’t respect myself.
THIS body is as worthy of nice clothing as my former body.
THIS size 13-16 body deserves just as much love as my size 8-10 body.
I am worth looking and feeling beautiful, no matter what numbers the tags bear.
And the money for those tags is worth 10x the price that returning to bulimia would cost me.