I thought I was over it, but I’m not.
Is it because I’m a Gemini? I truly feel like there are two parts of me.
My ‘bad’ twin is Elsa. My ‘good’ twin is Anna.
Over and over in my brain I hear them singing in reprise:
Anna: It’s okay, you can just unfreeze it!
Elsa: No, I can’t.
I — I don’t know how!
Anna: Sure you can! I know you can!
`Cause for the first time in forever,
I’m such a fool!
I can’t be free!
Anna: You don’t have to be afraid…
Elsa: No escape from the storm inside of me!
Anna: We can work this out together!
Elsa: I can’t control the curse!
Anna: We’ll reverse the storm you’ve made
Elsa: Anna, please, you’ll only make it worse!
Anna: Don’t panic!
Elsa: There’s so much fear!
Anna: We’ll make the sun shine bright!
Elsa: You’re not safe here!
Anna: We can face this thing together!
Anna: We can change this winter weather!
Anna: And everything will be all right…
Elsa: I CAN’T!
I’m pulled so many different ways by this storm. This damn depression that has me feeling like every day is eternal winter.
In attempting to find help in the things I enjoy, writing and, recently, using oil pastels, I am left dissatisfied.
Nothing lives up to my expectations anymore.
I am my own biggest critic… I can’t control the curse…
I am struggling to hear the good twin’s voice… there’s so much fear…
I am looking for ways to take the good in my life to heart… you’re not safe here…
And I’m failing… I can’t…
I feel like I need to put some of my goals on the back-burner, but that reeks of failure.
I don’t want to be okay. I want to be great. Instead of trying and failing at being great, I do nothing.
Yet, I’m stretched so thin with hopes and dreams that every minuscule detail is magnified, and I can not look past the parts that need fixing to see a whole.
But how to appreciate the whole, without ignoring the things that do need to be fixed..?
I’m working on it.
But not well enough.