The urge to purge: staving off bulimic relapse

bulimia

We’re trying to be frugal right now.  Trying.  Switched to cloth diapers, didn’t get the advanced cable package, returned to a cash budget to keep our spending in check.  It’s working, for the most part.

Until this morning.  When I got a Kohl’s credit card to take a further $93 off of my $320 purchase…

Typing that makes me feel awful.

I have never, ever, ever spent that much money on clothes for myself all at once.  I have never felt the need to go out an buy myself half a wardrobe on a whim.  But when I got pregnant with The Kraken, I was the smallest I’d been since high school.  I had proudly donated all of my XL and XXL clothes.  I had gone shopping through clearance racks throughout the 8 months previous to slowly build up the adorable wardrobe I felt so good in.

Now, here I am, switching between 2 pairs of ill fitting pants.  Wearing a few shirts that I had kept, just in case.  I don’t feel good in any of them.  I feel dumpy, and, yes, fat.

I’m 2 months post partum.  I still have 20 pounds to lose from my 50 pound pregnancy gain.  I know that I can’t expect to be back in those purple size 10 skinny jeans so soon, but it really sucks having clothes that I love and just can’t wear.

The past few days the feeling of discontent has gotten so bad that I’ve felt the urge to purge on multiple occasions.

I can’t go back to that.

I can’t raise daughters with a healthy body image and sons with respect for a woman no matter how she looks if I can’t respect myself.

THIS body is as worthy of nice clothing as my former body.

THIS size 13-16 body deserves just as much love as my size 8-10 body.

I am worth looking and feeling beautiful, no matter what numbers the tags bear.

And the money for those tags is worth 10x the price that returning to bulimia would cost me.

stavingoffbulimiaImages from ETF Spotlight and Life is Not a Diet

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