The urge to purge: staving off bulimic relapse

bulimia

We’re trying to be frugal right now.  Trying.  Switched to cloth diapers, didn’t get the advanced cable package, returned to a cash budget to keep our spending in check.  It’s working, for the most part.

Until this morning.  When I got a Kohl’s credit card to take a further $93 off of my $320 purchase…

Typing that makes me feel awful.

I have never, ever, ever spent that much money on clothes for myself all at once.  I have never felt the need to go out an buy myself half a wardrobe on a whim.  But when I got pregnant with The Kraken, I was the smallest I’d been since high school.  I had proudly donated all of my XL and XXL clothes.  I had gone shopping through clearance racks throughout the 8 months previous to slowly build up the adorable wardrobe I felt so good in.

Now, here I am, switching between 2 pairs of ill fitting pants.  Wearing a few shirts that I had kept, just in case.  I don’t feel good in any of them.  I feel dumpy, and, yes, fat.

I’m 2 months post partum.  I still have 20 pounds to lose from my 50 pound pregnancy gain.  I know that I can’t expect to be back in those purple size 10 skinny jeans so soon, but it really sucks having clothes that I love and just can’t wear.

The past few days the feeling of discontent has gotten so bad that I’ve felt the urge to purge on multiple occasions.

I can’t go back to that.

I can’t raise daughters with a healthy body image and sons with respect for a woman no matter how she looks if I can’t respect myself.

THIS body is as worthy of nice clothing as my former body.

THIS size 13-16 body deserves just as much love as my size 8-10 body.

I am worth looking and feeling beautiful, no matter what numbers the tags bear.

And the money for those tags is worth 10x the price that returning to bulimia would cost me.

stavingoffbulimiaImages from ETF Spotlight and Life is Not a Diet

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About Domestic Pirate

Hi, my name is Jessica. I am a stay at home momma wench who is addicted to all things Piratey, the internet and cookie dough. If you like any of those things, I think we'll get along just fine.

10 thoughts on “The urge to purge: staving off bulimic relapse

  1. You are beautiful Mama, and doing a wonderful thing for your daughter by teaching her to shop! (…..and to respect herself :) ) good job and brave post! Thank you.

  2. I wish I had words to give you strength, confidence and peace. It’s a struggle. I understand. It’s work to feel comfortable in the skin we’re in sometimes. I hear you. I hope you avoid that tempting path and embrace what your body has just done bringing a new baby into this world. It needs to heal, and you know that. Damn those numbers on a tag. I hope you find somewhere in your reserve enough love for yourself.

    1. Thank you so much. Just knowing that there are wonderful people (like you!) out there willing to ‘listen’ and offer kind words helps.

  3. This is a tough, tough period you’re in, still adjusting to un-pregnancy but while dealing with the aftereffects of it. I still remember it well, and am just barely moving past it myself. You’re handling it bravely, and I salute your choice. We’re on a pretty tight budget, too, but sometimes you’ve just got to fudge the numbers a bit if that’s what’s required to do the things that will keep you well.

  4. It always amazes me that even after over 20 years of one day at time away from bulimia the thought can still cross my mind. I am so glad you wrote about this and that you bought the clothes, I find that looking good in the body I have today helps! Sending love!

    1. It sucks, and admitting that this disorder is something that never leaves… Ugh. Thanks so much Kathy. One day at a time, indeed.

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